Tones of Grey
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What’s it gonna take people? I know most of you have it down (hint – you’re the ones laughing along with me) but for all my talk about good email vs. bad, I’m not getting through to everyone. The proof? Hideous emails are still burning bridges on a daily basis. So, rather than another 101 tutorial, how about a pre-preschool lesson – perhaps something with pictures? To that end, (and because I believe in recycling) I’ve put the sludge in my inbox to positive use. Here’s hoping that these visual examples of what not to do drive the point home once and for all.
The Long…
From: Hallie
Sent: June 20, 2006 11:00 AM
To: Chatty Neverworks mailto: Ihavenothingbettertodo@xmail.com
Subject: Rates
Hi, Chatty – Will you kindly remind me of your hourly rate? We need help designing our blogs and could use your expertise. Let me know if you have time for this project over the next week – and what your rate is so we can determine if it’s a fit.
Thanks – Hallie.
From: Chatty Neverworks mailto:Ihavenothing bettertodo@xmail.com
Sent: Monday, June 21, 2006 12:54 PM
To: Hallie
Subject: Re: Rates
Good Morning Hallie!
And here it is, the follow up email “as per the voice mail I just left”. Ahhh…the workisms and the “follow ups”. Where would any workforce be without them? I’d love to reconnect with you and the team to talk about any potential program we discussed at our last meeting to expand your company. I see colossal potential to reach a huge audience by networking and, most effectively, in entertaining and impressionable way. Let me know what you guys have cooking for ‘07.
Warm Regards,
Chatty.
PS- the Africa trip. One colossal disaster. To keep it positive- I attached one of my favorite shots taken on safari. Couldn’t find my way anywhere the entire trip!!! Maybe because I didn’t speak a word of Swahili and used my hands as if I was competing in the
World Championship of Charades. First prize being the next flight back to America!!! I missed mine because I was stuck in camel traffic and had to spend another night in paradise. I did capture some great interviews from some interesting folk for the travel documentary currently in production.
Okay, first let me say – Good God Make It Stop! You’d think that in almost 200 words she might have thrown in one or two that addressed my actual questions! Her rate – I still don’t know. Her availability – not a clue. But what I do know? You couldn’t pay me to work with her.
Note to all: Ask yourself – has this person ever been in my house, sitting on my couch? If the answer is no, then trust me, they don’t wanna hear about your trip to Brunei, Cleveland or anywhere else.
And the Short…
From: Crabby McBrief mailto:moreimportaintthanyou@xmail.com
Sent: January 2, 2007 5:15 PM
To: Hallie; Hallie’s Boss, Hallie’s Boss’s Boss
Hi Hallie,
Reminder: Please don’t forget to send the attachment this time, Thank You.
Okay, this is bad for two reasons. One, it’s so brief that it feels harsh. And two, if you’re gonna scold me in any way – don’t cc my superiors. I now hate you forever, congratulations.
Ps: I know she said please and thank you but that doesn’t always work to cancel out a sandwich full of bitchy. Example: “Dear Hallie, please fuck off, thank you.” So-and-so.
The Sneak…
From: Hallie
Sent: March 06, 2006 8:55 AM
To: Buffy McClueless mailto:buffygetaclue@xmail.com
Subject: The Reconnect
Hi Buffy. I’m writing to update you on our blah blah blah…
Thank You,
Hallie.
The sinner:
From: Buffy McClueless mailto:buffygetaclue@xmail.com
Sent: March 06, 2006 10:00 AM
To: Hallie
Cc: Hallie’s boss; Hallie’s boss’s boss; Hallie’s boss’s boss’s financial backer
Subject: Re: The Reconnect
Hi Hallie,
Thanks for the update.
Hope that you all found the pamphlet useful and had generated some of
your own sales programs. Let’s certainly stay in touch if any other sales needs can be met.
Warm regards,
(Emphasis on warm!)
Buff.
The sin(s):
Buffy cc’d people who weren’t on the original email, which is a big no-no unless you erase EVERYTHING ANYONE other than yourself has written from below. Do not presume that you can forward your correspondence with one person to another. It’s not your call! Furthermore, Buffy seems to have trouble constructing a sentence, which would suck a little if this were a friendly email – but she wants to work for me! Ugh. Get it together people. I won’t go on, it’s clear that Buffy’s got issues.
From: Hallie
Sent: December 2, 2006 3:22 PM
To: Busy Lady mailto:pleasehold@xmail.com
Subject: New ideas
Guess what? We’ve engaged the Creator of XXXX to advise us on our web strategy. She has lots of top notch connections and some really cool suggestions for us. Could we book a conference call with you sometime next week?
From: Busy Lady mailto:pleasehold@xmail.com
Sent: December 2, 2006 4:30 PM
To: Hallie
Subject: RE: New Ideas
Fine
Gee, thanks for getting back to me Debbie Downer. I love that in one word you managed to convey:
1. A lack of enthusiasm
2. A patronizing tone
3. That you are pretty sure I’m not as cool as you.
4. That you are way busier than me and thus cannot afford to waste time on pesky punctuation.