Friends On The Ladder
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As you make your way up the ladder – where you stack up in relation to your friends can dictate the dynamic of the relationship. It’s an issue that rears its ugly head for nearly every woman at some point in her career. Though we all try to avoid competing, it’s hard not to compare, especially when it’s your best girl racking up the promotions. But whether you’re leader of the pack, lagging behind, or in perfect synch with your friends, there’s always an upside.
WHEN YOU’RE… BEHIND
Why You Think It’s Bad
You can’t stop judging yourself and feeling like the tugboat of the group.
Why It’s Really Good
Though this may appear to be the worst position of all, it has a surprising number of pluses. You have a built-in network of mentors to turn to at each stage of the game and ask, “What did you do when you were here?” Their success can both inspire you and illustrate what’s possible. Instead of thinking there’s something wrong with you because you aren’t moving as quickly, remember that there’s a reason you’re friends with so many successes (think birds of a feather); clearly you are in good company!
What to Do When It’s a Real Issue
Sometimes, hard as you try, financial disparity just can’t be ignored. If your friends habitually suggest posh restaurants, or insist on splitting the tab evenly (you’ve nibbled a dinner salad while they ordered lobster), eventually you’ll have to speak up. Try not to come from a place of anger or resentment (let’s get real – your friends should not be made to feel guilty about their prosperity). Bring it up in a way that allows you to maintain your dignity; your real friends will know how to read between the lines. The next time they plan a get together, say that you’re trying to watch your money at the moment and aren’t sure you can swing Mister Chow this week. If they offer to pick up your tab, by all means, let them. After all, you’ll be at the top soon and can return the favor then. There’s a lot to be said for being a gracious receiver! If they offer to move the venue down-market, be appreciative and recognize that they are going out of their way for you. If they offer neither, go ahead and opt out politely – then make plans to meet for Saturday brunch instead (you can always squeeze waffles into the budget).
WHEN YOU’RE … EVEN
Why You Think It’s Bad
Having friends at the same level can actually inspire more competition then camaraderie. Because it’s so easy to over-identify with every detail of their careers, your feelings of accomplishment can shift from one day to the next. You feel victory or defeat depending on whose bonus is higher, or whose promotion comes through first.
Why It’s Really Good
Since you and your girlfriends are truly in it together, you can be instrumental in helping each other get where you want to go. By sharing contacts and information, you’ll create a powerful network that you can rely on for years to come. “When I get together with friends at my level, it’s as if my Rolodex quadruples in size. If one of us is in the market for a new job, one of us almost always has a contact that can help get a foot in the door,” explains Annie. Annie has a standing monthly dinner date with a group she’s been friends with since she first started out. “I can’t tell you how many jobs have come out of those dinners,” she says.
What to Do When It’s a Real Issue
Since the only real issue here is one of attitude – all that’s required to get out of this trap is a shift in perspective. To put it simply; there’s enough to go around, honey! There’s plenty of room at the top for you AND every one of your friends.
WHEN YOU’RE…AHEAD
Why You Think It’s Bad
It can be a little lonely at the top. Sometimes you wish you could be the one getting inspired rather than inspiring others, or getting advice rather than giving it.
Why It’s Really Good
Since you are the matriarch of the group, everyone turns to you for career advice and support, and it’s incredibly gratifying to share what you know and help the people you really care about.
What to Do When It’s a Real Issue
Playing Big Sister on a consistent basis virtually guaranties backlash. Your friends can begin to resent your advice and see you as condescending. The solution? Hold back; don’t make suggestions unless asked for help. Sometimes a real friend just listens.
Another pitfall? Friends who aren’t as committed to their work can’t understand your lack of availability. They grumble that you rarely take part in impromptu hang-time. Go out of your way to explain that it’s nothing personal; you’d love to socialize more, but are really focused on reaching your goals right now. Some friends might drift away, but true friends will get it.
As for finding a mentor of your own, a woman in your position has to actively search for the right one, and you may have to rely on professional resources like career management until you find her.