Making Time for Friends
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I always cringe when I hear a woman say she doesn’t like other women. To me, it’s either a sign of immaturity or absolute insecurity. A woman (or in many cases, a girl) who feels that other women are her competition instead of her allies has never had a best friend who listens to, accepts and supports her in all circumstances.
In fact, there are strong health benefits for creating a whole team of friends – someone to call when your child is sick at school and you can’t make it, someone to call when your husband picked a fight with you, and someone to call to make you laugh so hard you struggle for breath. Numerous studies have shown that having a strong social network reduces stress and boosts the immune system.
In women, this need for a good social support system proves even more important than in men. Men and women are different in many ways, including our reactions to stress. In a revolutionary UCLA study called Behavioral Response to Stress in Females, researchers discovered that stress hormones react differently to testosterone and estrogen. Men’s typical response is “Fight of Flight” while women’s response is, what these researchers dubbed, “Tend or Befriend.” Women tend to their children and gather with other women to successfully calm the effects of stress.
Any fan of Sex and the City can attest to the worth of a group of good girlfriends. Our roles at work with bosses and coworkers and at home with spouses and children can leave emotional gaps that only other women can fill. My friend Liz says, “I feel at home with my good friends. Kind of home away from the stresses of home.”
So friends do have benefits, just not in the ways we’re used to considering. “I can always hang out with my girlfriends without worrying about sex bullshit being in the background,” says another friend Kelly. For the most part, you never have to worry that your close girlfriend is suddenly going to suggest becoming friends with benefits.
Women also tend to relate to other women differently. “If I have a problem and I talk to my boyfriend about it, he is always trying to come up with a solution,” notices Liz. “If I talk to one of my girlfriends, she just listens which is awesome.”
But when we get busy with work, kids and our romantic relationships, we tend to let our friendships wane. Not nurturing these relationships is not the smartest decision we make. After all, work will end eventually and not all marriages last forever. Being married greatly benefits a man, but women do just as well with a good group of friends.
More reasons for not being a girl hater? Making time for your friends can cut your risk of dying prematurely, boost your immune system, and lower your blood pressure and cholesterol. According to a Harvard Nurses’ study, not having close friends is as detrimental to your health as smoking or being overweight. That’s a great reason to make a friend.
Which is not to say that you should hold onto every friendship regardless. Sometimes a toxic or overly dramatic friend causes more harm than good and needs to be trimmed from your social network. Don’t let a friend regularly take more out of you than she gives back to you. If you have decided it’s time to end a friendship, take the high road and be up front. Treat it as you would a romantic breakup (unless you’re a bunny boiler). Talk about the issues you’re having, give your friend a chance to change her behavior, or decide mutually that it is time to go your separate ways. That will probably save you a lot of stress in the long run.