18 Dec 2009
4:45 pm
Naomi is freaking out.
I guess Mr. Dumpty (her new man) has been
staying with her for the past few weeks, as a bit of a dry run for
their future cohabitation. Not surprisingly the Nay Nay is a little bit
set in her ways, having lived alone since dinosaurs roamed the earth. I can only imagine the tangle of kitty-cat posters and Indian corn
centerpieces that Dumpty has to navigate just to get from the bedroom
to the bathroom for a midnight wee. I mean the poor feller deserves
some kind of award for fortitude and focus for trying so hard to make
this thing work. Ten bucks says he shags her under an acrylic afghan
that traps and strangles the toes, but I digress.
Anyway, Naomi just confessed to me that Dumpty is starting to get on her nerves. I guess he has "suggestions." How dare him, right? I was like, "what kind of suggestions Naomi?" She said he had some, "ideas about where things should go." I was like, "specifics woman, specifics!"
So that's when it finally came out. Naomi says that she keeps parrots.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Of course she f'n does! But
then she went on to say that she keeps the cage in her BEDROOM. And
again, I found myself nodding like a maniac as she said it, because of
course. OF COURSE she does. I mean, can you imagine a more perfect
location for a loud, squawky pet that hurls sunflower seed shells and
poop from between its bars—not to mention repeats everything you say
including random noises? I mean, what a perfect location. Cause you
want a stinky bird mocking you during sex, right? Am I right? I mean
who wouldn't want that?
Anyway, I guess Dumpty just got the courage up to ask her to move the
habitat to another room, and Naomi (to her credit) said she'd think
about it. Oh jeez Louise! Now I'm gonna have to find a way to get her to invite me over. I'm dying to see the place. Why am I such a morbidly curious person? Why God?
