27 Mar 2008 ›  2:45pm

Dingdong the prick is dead! Well, thank you Jesus for small favors because Ali dumped le douche. Took her long enough, huh? Anyway, I guess that the bossy condescending bullshit wasn’t just reserved for moi. Guess he gave Ali one too many life-tips cause she finally threw the hammer down. I’m so relieved, as I am in a full-blown neurotic mode with Bloke and desperately need a sidekick for the drinking extravaganza I’m about to embark upon. Sick as it sounds, the only cure for this type of relationship soul sickness is to go out looking unbelievable and let a few emo-clods puff me back up again with their cliché compliments and their enabling liquor purchases. Please don’t send me angry letters telling me that this sort of crap sets the women’s movement back twenty years. I am all too clear. If anyone has a better idea I’d love to hear it.

*And if your “better idea” is along the lines of: “Girlfriend, you gotta find the love within yourself, girlfriend!” or any other regurgitated Oprah-ism, I swear to God that I will hunt you down and kill you. For realzies!